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Building confidence is important before we embark on dating and open ourselves up for rejection.   Dating can be exhausting. We must put effort into meeting someone. All the profiles trawled, and messages sent. The hopes and fears and feelings of rejection. All the dates we wish for but do not go on or go on and end up in disaster. Exhausting! It is not ideal to start dating feeling rubbish about ourselves. Please re-read the attraction blog and remember - just because someone does not find us attractive, that DOES NOT mean there is something wrong with us. Let's think about how to feel the best we can.   Open a document and at the top write the words: 'The reasons why someone would be lucky to have me'. Many people who have low self-esteem will find this difficult. We often dismiss things as being 'not enough' of a quality. Write everything down, however small, or insignificant you think it is. Ask people who are fond of you their thoughts. Ask yourself, would you want to care for someone? Be there for them? Be interested in them? Listen to them? Travel or have together? The list can go on and on. In my experience, there will be a lot we can bring to a relationship. Once you have completed this task, repeatedly read over the list. Changing a belief from 'I have nothing to give' to 'Someone would be lucky to have me' takes time and effort. You might find you believe the list to be untrue. That it is not a true reflection. This is because when we have a belief we are not good enough, any information that goes against that belief is difficult for us to accept. Go through each item on the list and ask yourself if that item is true. For example, would you listen to your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner's problems and want to solve them? If the answer to that is yes, then move on to the next item. If each item is true, then the list is true, even if you have trouble accepting it. We need to go over this list just before each date. Whatever happens in the date, whether someone wants a relationship with us or not, does not change what we can offer. Top dating tips: Building confidence is important before we embark on dating and open ourselves up for rejection. Develop a list of all the things you can bring to a relationship. Ask friends and family to come up with suggestions. Think of all the compliments you have been paid. All your interests. Your values. Your qualities. When you have a list, re-read it often. If we believe we are not good enough, it is not easy to change. We may dismiss the list we have developed because we do not feel it is the truth. Go over the list and ask yourself about each item. Is it the truth? If the answer is 'yes' move on until you get to the end of the list. If all items on the list are the truth but you feel you are not that good remember, just because we feel something it does not mean it is the truth. Re-read the list before any date to remind yourself what you bring.

The importance of considering what you are looking for in a life partner when dating.   Whatever our experience of dating, one of the most important things for us to work out is what we are looking for.   Sometimes we are so desperate for someone to find us attractive that we forget to determine what we want. It is often the case that people with a good sense of themselves will be aware of what they are looking for and have clear expectations of how they should be treated. From an evolutionary standpoint, being confident of what we are looking for will help the person we are dating understand that we have self-worth, and this generally increases attractiveness.   So, before that first date, or even if you have been dating for a while, make a list of what you are looking for. Most people would be able to say that they want someone who looks a particular way, is funny or intelligent but we need to think further than that. Someone may be attractive, but if they don't fit with our value system, that can be a problem in the long run.   What might be the things you are looking for in a long-term partner? Here are some suggestions:   Do I find them somewhat physically attractive? Does their value system fit with my value system?  Are they compassionate and thoughtful or critical and unkind? Do they enjoy discussing the same things I enjoy? Do they like doing at least some of the things I enjoy? If I want children, do they also want children? Can we have fun together? Do they make me feel good about myself? On a first date, it would not be a good idea to begin firing questions at someone. But subtly asking questions or watching how they respond to things can give us the information we need. Whether the person is right for us or not cannot be gleaned in one or two dates. It will take some time.   Do I find them somewhat physically attractive? Research suggests it is not the falling in love at first sight relationships that generally last. The ones that last are those people we did not initially find attractive. It may have started as friends or individuals we knew at school or work. Physical attraction is important but do not dismiss someone who does not exactly fit. It may be nice to look at something beautiful, but the relationship has to work.   Does their value system fit with my value system ?   This, of course, depends on your value system, but we can find out about someone's value system from what they say, how they talk about their family, friends. How they respond to strangers. How they treat you. Any thoughtful individual would make sure they were asking questions as well as talking. If someone is just talking about themselves without any interest in their date, I would question why they were there. Surely it is important for both parties to want to get to know the other if the intention is for it to grow into something.   Research suggests that what helps relationships endure is compromise. Obviously, this needs to be on both sides for it to work. Watch out for thoughtfulness over rigidity. On a first or subsequent date, it is likely both individuals will be on their best behaviour. We can watch out for signs of kindness or compassion. How do they treat the waiters/bar staff/people around them? If they are unkind or rude to strangers it is likely that their value system is not going to be a compassionate or thoughtful one. Do they enjoy discussing the same things I enjoy? To find this out we need to talk about the things that interest us and see how they respond. If we want our date to find us attractive and only talk about what they seem interested in, we not finding out whether they like what we like.   Do they like doing at least some of the things I enjoy? It is important for us to be honest with what we enjoy. We may think what we enjoy will not be good enough, especially if we lack confidence. But remember they might like doing similar things or at least be open to doing the things we enjoy. And although no one is going to like doing exactly the same activities, imagine spending your life with someone that would never dream of doing things they don't enjoy, no matter how much you liked it.   Can we have fun together? Fun will mean different things for different people. If we want cosy nights alone with our partner and they want to be at a party every night...it might not work. Imagine a life with someone you could not experience fun or pleasure with. Being able to laugh with someone is nourishing and pleasure is fundamental to good psychological health.   You might also consider their outlook on life. What if you are a glass-half-full kind of person and their cup is seriously empty? How would that be? Equally so, if you are someone who sees yourself as a realist and taking matters seriously is important to you. Being with someone who takes life flippantly might be okay at the beginning but may well start to jar as time goes on. Do they make me feel good about myself?             One thing that I am sure we would all agree is that our life partner should make us feel good about ourselves. Someone who has our back and we know they are there for us no matter what. That is why it is so important for us to think about whether the behaviour we see in the person we are dating ‘fits’ with what we would like in a life partner. Imagine spending a lifetime with someone who is always critical or cruel in some way? Noticing such behaviours at the beginning as a red flag, may well help in the long run. And I would also be very careful of assuming that someone will change, or they will not treat you in the way they treat other people. If someone is cruel to others, it is likely they will be cruel to you.   Finding the strength to let go of something that we know deep down is not good for us can be hard when we would love to be in a relationship. But giving our energy to something that is not right for us will take the energy we need to find what is right. Top dating tips: Do I find them somewhat physically attractive? Does their value system fit with my value system?  Are they compassionate and thoughtful or critical and unkind? Do they enjoy discussing the same things I enjoy? Do they like doing at least some of the things I enjoy? If I want children, do they also want children? Can we have fun together? Do they make me feel good about myself?

Dating is a numbers game.   There are about 8 billion people on the planet and so there are plenty of fish in the sea, you just need to find the one that is right for you. Unfortunately, that can be the most difficult part.   So, if it is a numbers game, then my top tips are the following:   Talk to people on social media. Make sure all your connections know you are single. Tell your friends to set you up on dates. The more dating apps you go on, the better chance you have of finding ‘the one’. Think about your social media or your profile on a dating app. Be honest about yourself. If we lie because we do not feel good enough this will cause problems when dating. It is better to find someone who likes us for who we are. Just because you don't like yourself, it does not mean that others will not like you. Get someone to check your profile or social media. You want to be honest but also allow your qualities to sing. Often, we cannot see our qualities or interests and friends can help. Joining groups can be a good source of meeting people. Many groups will have a social element attached. Sports groups, creative groups, travel groups, local groups all can have a social element. A common experience is when individuals send multiple messages but get few back or get many from individuals they are not interested in. This is an experience that is shared no matter how successful or attractive we are. Focus on the end goal. If you get few messages back, then increase the number of messages you send. Once you begin conversing with someone you like, set up a video call. Gauging if you like someone from messages is difficult. You might find a video call daunting but if you message someone over several weeks and then realise on the first meeting you don’t like them, you have wasted energy. After the video call, set up a meeting. Initially just for a short time during the day. Set it up so you can leave early if you are not attracted to them and remember, if you are attracted to them, this does not mean they are right for you. Finding out if someone is right for you will take time. Top dating tips: Meet as many people as you can and if they are not right for you, move quickly on. Remember the right person for you is out there...you just have to find them. So, if you send out lots of messages and get none back then increase your effort.

It is impossible to know how a first date may go or how your date experiences it. You might think they did not enjoy themselves when they did. Research shows we cannot know exactly what our long-term partners are thinking at any given moment, so how can we know what a stranger is thinking? For the sake of brevity, lets stick to the two obvious ways it could go badly - either you don't like your date, or they don’t like you. If you don’t like your date, then ideally you would have already thought about an out. I would suggest, for a first date, only meet for a quick coffee/drink to see what your thoughts are. Meeting someone in the flesh can be quite different to meeting them on a video call. If you like them and they you, then you can arrange to meet again.   Mind reading Okay, let’s assume you have met your date, and you like them but then your daemons arrive, threatening to throw your efforts to the wind.  'You are not good enough!' They cry. They blind you to what is actually going on and only allow you to see negatives. One of the most important things to do when we are enjoying a first date is that we MUST NOT MIND READ. This is where we assume we know what someone else is thinking when we have no idea what they are thinking.Research shows we cannot know exactly what our long-term partners are thinking at any given moment, so how can we know what a stranger is thinking?   'Body language' I hear you cry. Piffle is my response. A good example of this is when someone yawns. You might immediately jump on the idea that you are boring them. But what else could it be? They could have been up all night worrying about the date. They could be an insomniac. They could have slept badly due to work commitments or because they were out enjoying themselves. Who knows? Ideally, of course, people would understand how a yawn may come across and try to hide it, but most people will be focusing on whatever is going in their own mind, which can get in the way of empathy. On the other hand, your date may well be bored but assuming they are won’t do you any favours. Here is one suggestion for a first date. Do look at the other blogs in this series about the first date.   Keep the effort in check.   It is important to remember that thousands of years of evolution will impact on how someone experiences us. If we are overly keen when we really do not know someone, this suggests we would accept anyone. If we would accept anyone, it gives off the impression, often unconsciously, that we are not that great.   I do not advocate the 'treat them mean and keep them keen' advice either. There are two red flags here. If we are the person who remains in a relationship where someone is treating us badly, we are not protecting our psychological health. In the long-run, such relationship will impact on our confidence and sense-of self and should be avoided. On the other hand, if we go on to a date with the idea that the way to someone's heart is to be mean to them but we are not fundamentally a mean person, then we are beginning the relationship on false pretences. How will that play out in the long-term? If we approach dating with the idea 'if someone does not fit with what I am looking for then I will move on (not matter how long I have been looking), then this will give the impression we are not going to settle for just anyone. If we just focus on how someone looks and what we think they are like, or that we are so desperate to have a relationship we will accept anything, in the long run it is more likely that we will get hurt. Top dating tips: The first date. Subtly find out if your date is what you are looking for in a long-term partner. Remember physical attraction is only one part of the puzzle. if you would like to have a long-term relationship there is a lot you need to find out about your date. Remember in the long-term, you will want to be with someone who makes you feel good. Watch how they treat you, how they treat others, how they talk about people. This all gives clues to who they are. Go into a date being you. If you try to be something you are not, you will be found out in the end. And remember, maybe you are just what they are looking for. If you don’t be you, how can you find out if you are just fine the way you are?

The second date and beyond. Suggesting another date. If you have enjoyed your time with someone on a first date, then a confident person would be happy to say they would like to meet again. It has been suggested to me that if we do this, we may seem too keen. I would argue, however, if we have the attitude 'if you like me then that's great and we can get to know each other and if you don’t like me, then I will move on to find someone who does, then we are showing confidence. Using the tennis analogy of keeping the balls in our court as a useful one. If we are waiting for someone to suggest another date then they have the ball in their court. If we ask them if they want another date, then the ball is in our court. And, we are not wasting our time waiting to find out what they think. If they like us then great, if they don't then we should spend our energy on finding someone who does.        It might be that you have suggested another date, and they don’t get back to you immediately. Remember... don’t mind read . We are all different and your date's time frame for responding might be unlike yours. Of course, it can also be the case that your date is not responding because they don’t want another date but find letting someone down uncomfortable. I would keep in mind here that it is a numbers game and don’t waste too much time waiting.   Alcohol and other substances. It may be that you have not dated for a while, or you have met someone you really like and alcohol helps you to relax. That is fine for the first few dates but if we don't find out what someone is like during the day or without alcohol, how can we know if they are right for us?   Use subsequent dates to really test out your 'what am I looking for in a life partner.' Remember, it takes a long time to get to know what someone is really like and when we want something badly enough, we might only see what we want to see.   Another point I would make here is also to keep in mind, someone might not be perfect or not what we thought we would want but if we find we enjoy someone's company, don't be too hasty to end something. Top dating tips: The Second date and beyond. If you have enjoyed your first date, it is important to find out if they feel the same. Suggesting another meeting shows confidence, not neediness. If they don’t want another date, fine. If you do meet again, remember to find out if they will fit with you. Being attracted to someone physically is only one part of the puzzle. And try not to dismiss people you are not immediately attracted to. They may well grow on you.

As mentioned at the beginning, dating take a lot of energy. As such, it is important that we conserve as much energy as we can for us to be able to endure what can be a really difficult process. I won't repeat all the potential pitfalls here, as I do not want to put you off. One thing I would suggest is that there is absolutely no point in putting our energy in to something that is not right for us in one way or another.   Firstly, if someone likes us then they will put the effort in. Within reason, they will respond to the messages we send, they will want to see us within a reasonable amount of time, they will make suggestions for further dates, and they will also send us messages or call. If we find we are always the one that is making the effort, I would question that. Think about it in the long-term. If we are always the one that makes the effort, how will that impact on our self-esteem moving forward? If we embark on relationships because we lack self-esteem, how will dating someone like that improve our self-esteem? Watching energy It is important to watch our energy levels when embarking on dating, as it can be exhausting. I suggest we move between periods of time when we make a lot of effort and periods of time off. This can be days, weeks, or months. However, it is important to get back to it if our goal is to find someone. It is common that we avoid looking for love because of a multitude of reasons but after years of being alone, we use this 'being alone' as evidence of being unlovable. And then we avoid looking for love because we feel we are unlovable and round we go in a circle.   Keeping motivated It can be so difficult to keep motivated when it seems that all our efforts are fruitless. It is also hard to be relentlessly positive in the face of rejection. In fact, it is virtually impossible. There is not really an easy answer to this, but I would re-read the blog on attraction, 'it’s a numbers game' and moving on quickly. The person you are looking for and who also is looking for you is out there.... you just have to find them.   If it’s not working…research suggests not physical attraction. Maybe ask friends to choose. Alongside the above, I would also make sure that we are not being overly judgemental or have unrealistic expectations. That is not to say that we should settle but research suggests that many long-term relationships started as friendships or with people we were not attracted to and then one day we see them in a different light, or something shifts, and we see something we did not see before.   This is one of the reasons why I think internet dating can be problematic. We have lists of what we are looking for and often do not meet with people unless they fit exactly. But we forget that if we meet someone that seems perfect on paper...there might be no chemistry at all. But at times we meet individuals that do not tick all our boxes but there is something about them that draws our attention. Top dating tips: Moving quickly on. Manage the exhaustion of dating by moving between times when we give it our all and times when we find other ways of nourishing ourselves. Try to keep motivated. Remember the person you are looking for is out there. You just have to find them. If you are struggling to find someone, ask friends what they think about your approach. Are you dismissing perfectly lovely individuals just because they don’t fit exactly?

When dating we must remember that it can take time and the time spent can be enjoyable and exhausting. As such make sure you focus on a balance in life, so spend time on rest, play, and health.             I would like to leave this blog by repeated that finding our life partner has been described as a full-time job. As such, it can be utterly exhausting. If we can keep all the suggestions here in mind and try to enjoy the process as much as possible. Maybe we meet someone who we did not like but we enjoyed a conversation, or a coffee, or a walk, or a new experience. It is important to keep focused on the end goal, but we also need to keep a balance in life....and keeping a balance in life is my next set of blogs.

You have probably heard of CBT and if you have not, it is something that has been found, time and again, to help individuals overcome certain difficulties. There are actually four elements to it. The 'cognitive' element focuses on our thoughts and how they can be helpful and unhelpful to us. The 'behavioural' elements looks at what we do or do not do, depending on how we see ourselves, others and the world. There are two other elements, which are not apparent in the phrase: the 'mood' element and the 'physical' element. Mood relates to how we feel: happy, sad, guilty, fearful, worried, surprised, angry, etc. The physical element looks at how our body responds physically to a particular mood. So, for example, in anxiety we may feel a raised heart beat. In low mood we may feel a lack of energy. CBT helps individuals to understand all of these different elements and then provides strategies to help improve lives. These blogs are going to help you to understand anxiety more and it will provide you with a step-by-step program to help you to manage it better.  Psychologists have been studying this system and ways to help for decades and some of this knowledge and understanding will now be past to you. If you know of anyone else who may benefit, please do share the details with them.

The 5 area model is a model of how human’s function. If we can develop the ability to notice the connections between how we feel, think, our physical reactions and what we do then we can bring small changes to these areas and influence the whole system. Thoughts: We all think about things. When we wake up in the morning we begin to think and we rarely stop thinking until we go to sleep at night. Our thoughts can be either useful to us or not useful to us. We may worry continuously about the future or we may ruminate and regret the past. Emotions: We also all experience emotions: There are a multitude of emotions that we might experience in one particular day: fear, happiness, sadness, surprise, guilt are but a few. Physical Sensations in the Body: Particular emotions also impact on our physical body. Fear: Fear causes our heartbeat to raise and our breathing to change; we tense up and may feel hot and sweaty. We may feel nausea or butterflies in our stomachs. We also may experience dizziness or a sensation that we feel faint. Sadness: Generally sadness is associated with a lack of energy in the body. People who are extremely low in mood don’t normally skip through the day. Guilt: Guilt is another emotion that is felt in the body. It is difficult to describe exactly where or how but we each know the sensations that are around when we feel guilty. Behaviours: What we do or how we behave is also a part of this system. When we experience the emotion of fear, we may want to avoid the thing that we fear. When we feel sad, we may want to hide away in bed or avoid socialising. If we are worrying about our health, we may check our body or seek medical advice. If we are worried about getting fat, we may avoid eating certain foods. If we feel stressed we may drink more alcohol. If we feel lonely we may call a friend. If we worry about how our partner feels about us we may seek affection. The list is endless. Anxiety or Fear: Here is an example of how anxiety fits with the five area model. When we are anxious or feel fear, it makes sense that our thoughts will generally involve worrying about something in the future or the past. Relaxed thoughts are not associated with being anxious. If we feel anxious, our body sensations will change: breathing becomes shallow, heartbeat and the temperature of the body increase, etc. If we feel anxious it may make us do particular things or behave in particular ways, like seek reassurance, or avoid things that we fear. Sadness: When we feel sad, our body energy goes down. Our thoughts are normally negative and our behaviours are also affected: we may want to stay in bed or avoid social contact. Overview: What can be seen from this is that how we feel, our thoughts, our bodily sensations and our behaviours are all interconnected. Although this system can make us feel worse, if we understand it, we can also impact on things to feel better. For example, when we are sad, we may feel like staying in bed but if we get up and have a shower, we won’t feel suddenly wonderful but we may feel a bit more energy. If our energy is raised we may choose to do some other things that we were avoiding and thus feel a bit better about what we have achieved. If we are anxious, there are things we can do to reduce down the physical symptoms of anxiety, such as changing our breathing or exercising. Equally, if we face our fears and overcome them we can feel a real sense of achievement.

Anxiety is something that all humans experience. In fact, if you did not experience any anxiety you would be considered to be abnormal! Our anxiety system developed in Hunter-Gatherer years and at that time it was a very useful system in helping us to survive and thrive into this day and age. The problem with the anxiety system is that although it was useful in hunter-gather times it really is not very useful today.

Demystifying the physical symptoms of anxiety.The ‘fight and flight’ response enables humans to become much stronger, and was useful, for example when a human needed to fight off a wild animal or be able to run away. There are stories where someone was able to show super human strength, when their child was in danger – that is the ‘fight and flight’ response at work.   The Brain mechanism: In the brain there is the amygdala.  The amygdala is a central part of the limbic system, which is the most ancient part of the brain and this area of the brain reacts before any other part. The limbic system reacts to danger without thinking about whether it is actually dangerous or not.   What happens in our body? When the ‘fight and flight’ response is triggered we take in more oxygen, our breaths are faster and shallower. Our heart beats faster and this allows the blood to be pumped around the body quicker - carrying the oxygen to the muscles to make them stronger. Adrenalin and cortisol are released and these are stress hormones.   The parts of the body that are not needed stop working or work less well. For example, we stop digesting food, this sometimes gives the sensation of ‘butterflies’. We stop sending so much oxygen to the brain, this gives the sensation to some people that they feel light-headed or dizzy. Some people feel faint when they are feeling anxious, but in fact because our blood pressure has gone up, rather than down, it is impossible for us to faint in these circumstances.   Although the ‘fight and flight’ response can be a very useful survival mechanism, in our day and age it appears to be triggered in situations where we perceive ourselves to be in what we term ‘social danger’.   The ‘fight and flight’ response is triggered in these ‘social danger’ situations because we hypothesise that if we make a fool of ourselves than we may be rejected by others, if we are rejected by others we are more likely to live alone, if we live alone we are less likely to survive. So the ‘fight and flight’ response is not only triggered by immediate physical danger, but it also seems to be triggered by cultural understandings of shame and rejection.

When we are anxious we breathe more shallowly and do not breathe out a full breath. The idea when learning how to breathe properly, is that it should be a natural and relaxed breath in and breath out. There are many suggestions about how to relax your breathing but our aim is to just understand how to lower anxiety through breathing using a full natural breath. We need to be able to do this anywhere - if we are sitting in a meeting or at a social event. We need to practice this if we hope to use it when we are feeling stressed. Breathing properly involves filling the lungs. If we fill the lungs our stomach should expand on the in breath.   Sit either comfortably but upright or lie down. Notice how you are breathing.   Place your hands on your stomach.   Imagine your lungs behind your ribcage.   As you breathe in, your lungs fill and your stomach should expand. Imagine if you had a balloon in your stomach and as you breath in this inflates.   Your abdomen rises with the in breath and falls with the out breath.   Take a natural breath in and a natural breath out. An in breath is generally anything between 2 and 3 seconds. Count how long your natural breath in is – don’t force it. Whatever your natural breath in is, make your breath out the same amount.   Continue breathing in and out – making sure the out breath is about the same length as the in breath and each time we breath in, our abdomen raises and each time we breath out it falls.   If we have been ‘stressed’ breathing for many years – this will take some practice.   It is useful to set yourself a reminder on your phone to check your breathing each hour or every two hours. Just check you breathing and do a few relaxed breaths.