Before reading this article, I would like you to familiarise yourself with the basic model used in Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy, called the five-area model, which can be found here: https://www.drstuartpsychologists.com/post/cognitive-behavioural-therapy. I am writing this on the 29th January, 2021, which I believe is one of the best times of the year to talk about guilt but before we discuss ways of dealing with guilt, we will understand together how it fits within evolution. Guilt is something that the vast majority of humans feel. There is some suggestion that people who are known as psychopaths, do not experience guilt. They have areas of the brain that are faulty. However, putting that aside, we can see that guilt is an important part of being human. Evolution has favoured guilt as being an emotion that has endured because we are more likely to survive if we live in social groups. If each time we felt annoyed by someone we decided to hit them and felt no sense of guilt about that, we would be ostracised by the group and less likely to survive. Parents can also understand that, at times, children can drive us to distraction and it is better that our guilt and conscience systems, at those times, stop us from chucking them in the bin. So, as we can see, guilt has an important part to play in our survival. There are also ways that guilt can be problematic and stop us from achieving our full potential. The Five-Area Model If you are not familiar with the five-area model, here is one for you to look at whist I discuss the different elements: Okay, firstly, when looking at the five-area model, please look at the circle titled ‘Mood’. This circle represents all of our emotions. There are multiple emotions but some of the main ones are anxiety, depression, surprise and guilt. We do not have a direct access to our emotions and what I mean by this, is that we can not click our fingers and change them. This, I believe, is one of the most unfortunate things about our brains. If only we could click our fingers and stop feeling anxious or click our fingers and feel happy when we are sad. Instead, then, what we have to do to change an emotion is change one of the other systems outlined in the five-area model: ‘Thoughts’, ‘Physical Reactions’, or our ‘Behaviour’. I am going to turn firstly to physical reactions. This circle on the five-area model represents how our body responds to particular emotions. We all know how our physical body changes when we feel anxious. Our heart beats faster, we may breathe more shallowly, we may feel nausea, or hot, or tingly. With depression, we generally have less energy and feel more lethargic. I have always found it difficult to describe exactly how ‘guilt’ feels in the body but we all know that it does have a very particular physical response. There is an uncomfortableness there and I would say a tension. Now I will turn to thoughts: when our brains trigger the emotion ‘guilt’ we will begin to think about all of the things that we did wrong. This might then lead on to us thinking about what a bad person we are and how the future is going to be bleak because we are so useless. Well, that line of thinking does not help anyone to bring about change or build confidence, which in my experience as a psychologist is certainly something that holds people back. Finally, we will turn to the influence of behaviour. When we feel guilt, we are driven to change our behaviour. Now, obviously sometimes this can be positive. If, we decided that our behaviour was not useful to us or to others then if we think though how we would like to act if the same situation were to arise in the future, then this can be positive. However, if we just feel terrible about ourselves and so guilty that it makes us withdraw from relationships, work opportunities, or social situations, then obviously this is not a positive outcome. Now we understand how guilt influences us, it is useful for us to think about what we can do to reduce the impact it has. Of course, as mentioned above, we need to think firstly about whether we want to repeat the behaviour again. It might be that we shouted at our partners/children/family member/friends. Or we behaved badly at work or at a social event. If we did something that was destructive to our body or to others and we decide that we do not want to behave like that again, then maybe the guilt that we feel can have a positive outcome where we can think about how we would like to act the next time we are faced with the same situation. However, there are so many times that we feel guilty when guilt does not actually help us to make improvements in our lives and feel better. We just focus on feeling bad and think about how awful we are. There are a multitude of things that individuals I have worked with over the years have felt guilty about and here are a few: not playing with children enough, not being there for family/friends/partners/work enough. Not doing enough exercise. Eating too much or drinking too much alcohol. Working too much and not seeing partners/children/friends/family. Individuals feel guilt when their own mental health impacts on loved ones – shouting when we feel stressed or feeling bad that our anxiety or low mood impacts on others. I know that we can all connect with some of these – I know that I can! Obviously, at this time of year, how many of us have broken our new year’s resolutions? We need to have a different relationship with guilt. Firstly, when we feel guilt – recognise how it feels in the body . Become familiar with guilt. Recognising that we feel a particular emotion can help us to then watch what happens next. It is useful for us to spend some time thinking about what we feel guilty about. Is it something that we would like to change? If so, think about what we will do differently next time. We have to remember, though, that we only have so much time in our lives and we can not do everything for everyone else at the expense of having time for ourselves. If we are constantly doing things for others then we will feel stressed and miserable and that is not good for us or for others because we are more likely to be irritable when feeling stressed. Or, if we have failed at something that we wanted to do: a new exercise regime, a diet, job applications, meditation, more time for family/friends etc. Then, think about whether we are expecting too much of ourselves. It is better to break down what ever we want to achieve in to small step and carry out step one. When we have achieved this, we can move on to the next step. In that way, we built our confidence in our achievements and won’t be bogged down by failures. Rather than a strict diet, what about trying to eat three sensible meals with two snacks in between and a treat every day? Rather than running a mile, what about increasing exercise every other day, starting with a five minute jog? Rather than applying for multiple jobs, spend 30 minutes each day on an application. If we feel guilty about the impact that our own mental health has had on others, try to turn the situation around and imagine if that other was the one with the problems. You would probably be happy to be there for them. The key to all of this is, I believe, being realistic about how much we can give or do and forgiving ourselves when we mess up. Good luck!

Cognitive behavioural therapy is known to be effective for a wide range of psychological problems. Studies into the use of CBT for couples have shown its use for improving communication, reducing distress and conflict for couples in romantic relationships. What is the idea behind CBT for couples? It is based on the idea that most people have particular expectations about how their partner should be or behave. This influences the behaviour or characteristics which each partner attends to, which affects their appreciation of their partner and their relationship. So, for each person, thoughts, behaviours and emotional are all interrelated, and each member of the couple can impact on the other. What would happen if I come for CBT as a couple? Firstly, the couple will be seen for an assessment. This will cover a wide range of issues such as what the nature of the difficulties are, how long they have lasted, and what attempts have been made already to try and improve the relationship. Why do couples come for therapy? There are often a wide range of reasons why a couple come for therapy, including to look at issues of conflict they cannot resolve or issues which are in one member of the couple but having an impact on the relationship such as anxiety, depression, alcohol and sleep problems. They may also have some parenting issues, or problems with infertility or infidelity. Regardless of the main concern, it is important for the therapist to have a clear picture of how this impacts on the couple relationship. To do this, each individual member will need to be willing to look at their own thoughts, behaviour and emotions, as well as thinking about how this impacts on the other, by keeping diaries to help track this information at the start of the therapeutic process. They will also need to be willing to carry out tasks at home to help therapy progress. Will the therapist take sides? The therapist will be equally aligned to both parties, and indeed if anyone is coming to therapy for couple work in order to show how bad the other person is, and hope that the therapist will take their side, then the therapy is not likely to be effective. What are the main techniques used in CBT? After the initial assessment phase, when it has been possible to gain a clear picture of how each partner is having an impact on the other, then it will be helpful to think of some goals for the couple. These could be individual, or joint goals for the relationship. Therapy can then focus on how to help people to reach their goals, using one of the following strategies. Communication skills training The couple will learn some basic strategies which aid communication, both in helping them to talk to each other clearly and without blame, and also to listen openly and without judgement. They can then practice these skills in the session, and also for homework between sessions. The purpose of this is not to solve problems, but to be able to really listen to each other and appreciate each other’s feelings. Problem solving The couple will learn some strategies to think through specific problems they are experiencing, and then practice this during the session and again for homework. For instance, Rachel was getting increasingly frustrated with Simon’s snoring at night, and had started to sleep in another room. Simon was upset about this, and felt it was having a detrimental effect on their relationship. They talked this though in therapy and brainstormed different possible ways forward, until they found a solution which worked for both of them. Cognitive restructuring Each partner will keep a diary throughout the work to help identify and then challenge the thoughts and beliefs which are impacting on the relationship. These can be explored and challenged, in a way to help improve the communication and understanding between the couple. For instance, Ellie was feeling that Richard didn’t care about her because he had started coming home late from work and then focusing on his phone. Ellie feared, ‘He doesn’t love me’ and started to feel, ‘I’m not important.’ Talking this through, Richard was able to help Ellie challenge her beliefs, by showing that he was concerned to help them move out of their home and had been working longer hours, and was still working on his phone when he got home. He in turn, felt that everything was his responsibility, and that Ellie was being, ‘insensitive and thoughtless’. Being more open about the thoughts each of them had helped them to challenge each other and find a better way forward. Emotional strategies It is sometimes helpful in couple work to identify emotions which might be hidden, such as fear, anxiety, or anger. These can be explored and discussed in a safe way. Sometimes emotions can be heightened, and techniques might be needed in order to help people manage these strong feelings. It is important to do this to help reduce conflict and help with problem solving, as when there are intense emotions, it is difficult for people to think logically. Sexual problems A couple may come to therapy to help improve their sexual relationship, and deal with any problems. If there is significant sexual dysfunction, this is better dealt with by a specialist in this area. However, many issues in the sexual relationship can be addressed in couples CBT work, such as addressing any emotional concerns which are getting in the way of intimacy, and using communication training to help increase affection and connection between a couple. It can also be helpful to look at any thoughts or beliefs which are getting in the way of sexual pleasure, for instance addressing any unrealistic or negative expectations. A few closing points Couple work needs to be entered into with openness and trust. If there is violence in the relationship and there are issues of safety, then therapy is not the best way forward, and it would be better to have some space and individual work before coming as a couple, if that becomes appropriate. It might be that the goals of the therapy are to help a couple separate. If that is the case, and it is agreed on, then the therapy can help think through how to manage this difficult time in an amicable way. Sometimes, just to think things through with someone outside of the couple can be helpful. You do not have to be at the end of a relationship or with serious problems for couples therapy to help.

It is that time of year when exams are looming. Here are my top tips to help you survive this time. Revision 1. Comparisons : Remember that everyone is different and it is important to not compare to others but focus on what you feel able to do. Just because Joe Blogs is studying for hours every day, it might be that your brain does not work like that. Feeling bad because we are not doing what we feel we should be doesn’t help the situation. It is better to work out how your brain works and do as much as you can. 2. Attention spans : Our brains can only focus for a particular period of time. Different research suggests different things but for some this means 25 minutes of focus for five minutes of rest and for others it might be 45 minutes of focus for 10 minutes of rest. For others, it might be that they can focus for longer periods of time and need a longer rest. Keep an eye on your attention span and when you begin to feel tired, or find that the information you are trying to retain is no longer going in, give yourself a short break. Remember, don’t compare to others with this. Just because your friends can work for hours without taking a break (although I would argue that it is likely their minds drift off at times and they are actually giving their minds a rest), every brain is different and it is best to discover what works best for you. 3. Socialising : For some, studying is more fruitful if they have things to look forward to, such as a night out with friends. They feel they can work hard because there will be a reward at the end of the day or week. Others feel more comfortable if they leave the socialising until after the exam period. There is no right or wrong here, we just need to do what ever works for us. 4. Retaining information : There are three main ways that we take in information: For some, reading the topic and making lists will be the most beneficial. For this group flash cards might be your best friend. For some, visualising information is the most reliable way for recalling it. This group should look at using simple mind maps or spider diagrams. Or, drawing small pictures – maybe linking two ideas together in the picture, will help to recall some information that does not appear to be sticking. For a final group of people, talking about the topic and discussing the ideas around it helps to retain that information. If you are one of those then speak to your family members, start a study group, or even talk to yourself about a topic and imagine someone questioning you about it. What ever works! And lastly, repetition, repetition, repetition. Going over and over something will always help. There is some suggestion that if we read something, then read it again 24 hours later, then again 24 hours later, then in three days, then in seven days, this will help the information move from our working or short-term memory into a longer-term store. 5. Anxiety: most young people I work with feel anxious about exams or how much work they have to do for their exams. Although small amounts of anxiety are supposed to be good for us, more moderate or severe anxiety will hinder revision. Worrying about exams is pointless but we all do it! Each time you notice a sense of impending doom, try to refocus your attention on something else. Ideally, we should push away the thoughts and refocus on studying but that is easier said than done at times. If you find that difficult, try a short relaxation, such as a body scan, or do five minutes of intense exercise, of have a cold shower. If none of those work and you are finding the anxiety too intense to study, do some exercise – go for a run or a cycle ride. Keep going until you find the anxiety reducing and then you will be able to refocus on revision. The Night Before and Day of the Exam 1. Sleep: Try to get an early night. If you can not get to sleep, don’t worry about it. Do lots of relaxation exercises and mindfulness (there are lots of apps or you tube videos to help you with this). If we relax our bodies enough, this can also be restorative. You will eventually fall asleep but being anxious about how long that will take or if it will ever happen, will lessen the likelihood for sleep. So, try to take your mind off sleep or exams by reading something you enjoy or listening to something relaxing. When you feel tired then immediately stop reading or turn off what ever you are listening to and drop off to sleep. If you can’t sleep then repeat the above. 2. Don’t learn anything new on the day of the exam : Trying to take in new information should stop the day before the exam, as this may muddle what we have already learned. Our brains need time to process information and this is done whilst we sleep. Going over flashcards or mind maps or revision notes on the morning of the exam is fine but ideally, we would give ourselves a break. 3. Exercise: If you have time, do some exercise. This helps to reduce tension and increase the endorphins we need to feel okay. 4. Fuel for the body: Some people go off food on the morning of the exam, or leading up to it. However, it is important that our blood sugars to remain stable, so that our brains work as well as they can. If you can not face food then drink a smoothie and a protein shake. Taking protein will help to stabilise your blood sugars and will help you to concentrate. 5. Hydration: The last thing you want in an exam is a headache, which dehydration can cause. Remember to have plenty to drink before the exam. 6. Anxiety : Remember the tip above about anxiety – this is even more important on the day of the exam. However, some people find distracting away from the feelings of dread even more difficult. Try to think that, ‘it is what it is’ and there is nothing you can do about it now. So, give it your best shot. During the Exam 1. Anxiety: Take a moment to breath and focus your attention. If at any point in the exam, you feel overwhelmed by anxiety, again, take a moment to breath and try to relax all the muscles in your body. 2. Comparison: Do not compare yourself to what others are doing…they might be writing a lot but it might be complete nonsense! 3. Keep an eye on the clock. 4. If you can not answer something then mark it, move on and return to it if you have time at the end. 5. Let it go: What ever happens in an exam, just move on. Put that ‘essay’ ‘question’ ‘exam’ behind you and focus on the next. What is done is done and dwelling on things does not help us. I have worked with so many people who have thought that if they do not do well in their exams then their lives will fall apart. For many, they do just fine. For some, they do not do as well as they expected. It can take a bit of time to get our heads around this but generally, life has a way of working itself out in the end. For those I have worked with who did not get their first choice of university it actually worked out well for them in the end and they realised it did not matter as much as they thought it had. Good luck!

We have evolved to think. From the moment we wake up in the morning - off our thoughts go. We think, think, think about the future and think, think, think about the past. But why is it that our thoughts are the way they are? Evolution provides an explanation. The main drive of evolution is for us to survive. Do you think, therefore, that your brain would prefer it if you were thinking happy thoughts all of the time and never worrying. Is this a better way to survive? Or, is it better for us to be aware of all that might go wrong both by looking at our mistakes from the past and trying to learn from them, and by looking at everything that could go wrong in the future and planning to avoid potential pitfalls? Well, of course, our brains have evolved to be aware of all of the negatives because that way we are more likely to survive. Your brain does not care if you are happy or sad or whether you have an enjoyable life or not…it just cares if you survive. In this day and age, however, we are not faced with the dangers that hunter-gatherers faced and it would be much better if our brains were more focused on positives. Unfortunately, this does not come naturally to our brains and a lot of the time we have to create our own happiness. Of course, the above is just one of the influences on how we think…human are vastly complex. Our environment also plays a huge role in how we look at the world. If we grow up in an environment where both of our parents are depressed and constantly point out everything that is negative, then it might be that we begin to see the negatives as well. Psychologists call the process of thinking about thinking – metacognition. Generally, we do not think about the types of thoughts we are having, well at least not in any detail. One of the main areas of CBT is the process of looking at the types of thoughts that individuals have. One of the things that you could do is to start to write down your thoughts. Sometimes, it is useful to do this when we experience a particular emotion strongly. This might be when we are feeling particularly sad or frightened. We may feel embarrassed or self-conscious. At such time, try to remember the content of the thoughts and write them down. There are lots of apps nowadays that can help you. Or, you could just write them down on your notes section of your phone, on your computers or on paper. Then, at a later time, when you are experiencing the emotion less intensely, go back to the thoughts and see where you may have been making unhelpful assumptions. Please read on to see what types of assumptions we make. In my opinion, if a thought makes us feel good about ourselves and if that thought is not going to hurt us or others in any way, then I think those thoughts are just fine and we can leave them well alone…even if we don’t have the evidence for them. Examples of such thoughts are: ‘It is going to be a wonderful day!...My haircut is fabulous!....My boy/girlfriend thinks I am the most wonderful person in the whole world! Or just….Maybe I have got this right. Maybe I am good enough…Maybe I don’t need to be liked by everyone or maybe I can make mistakes sometimes and it doesn’t mean I am a complete failure. (You will hopefully have picked up that I am a huge fan of these last few). On the other hand, if a thought makes us feel bad about ourselves and we have no evidence for that thought then that is really unhelpful. What follows is what psychologists call ‘Unhelpful Thinking Styles’. There has been a lot of research looking at the way we think. There are types or groups of thoughts that have been shown time and time again in individuals and not just those who are suffering from depression or severe anxiety. I am going to go through them one by one. Mental Filter or Confirmation Bias is a term used by psychologists relating to that we develop beliefs about ourselves, others and the world and then hold on strongly to them, even if they make us feel rubbish. One example is if we think we are not good enough then we will dismiss all compliments no matter how many compliments we get. Also, if we tell ourselves we are rubbish enough times then this can also feel like information that confirms how bad we are. A useful way of thinking about this is to think what a friend would think of us or say….if you do not think that your friend is a liar then surely they see something that we can not. And, if they see that then maybe others will too. Maybe it is just us that see ourselves in a negative light. Try to notice the compliments and accept them as something that might actually be the truth. Mind Reading is where we assume we know what someone is thinking about us. If we are feeling self-conscious, anxious or low, we generally think that what others are thinking of us is negative. But, do you believe in telepathy? If not, then why try to mind read? Now, of course, if we think that someone thinks we are great and that boosts our self-esteem, I am all for that…but the negative bit just makes us feel bad and with NO EVIDENCE! Research suggests people who have been in relationships for decades can not predict exactly what their partner is thinking so how on earth do we expect to know what a stranger is thinking? Someone may be thinking badly of us but then again, they may not. Predicting and Catastrophising : Do you believe in future telling? If not, please don’t assume that something in the future is going to go horribly wrong or be an awful time when we have no idea what the future has in store for us, apart from that we will all die one day. The situation may go badly but it might be unexpectedly enjoyable. Assuming something is going to go badly just makes us feel bad in the moment. Personalisation : This is where we take full responsibility for a conversation or event when others are involved. If the conversation or event goes badly then we blame ourselves. An interesting point here is about silence. Different people have different levels of toleration for silence. For some, silence is fine. For others, the briefest silence can feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we feel we are the ones responsible for the silence and to make the event amazing, fun, animated. This puts pressure on us and actually makes the event far less enjoyable. Mountains and Molehills : You will have heard the saying, ‘Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill’. Sometimes we look at a situation and think it was a complete disaster. It is useful for us to think about whether the event will be something that affects us in 6 months’ time…or in one year. If it will not then it might be okay to just let it go. We have all done things we feel embarrassed of, it is just we generally don’t remember others’ embarrassing moments but do our own. Comparisons : We often compare ourselves unfavourably to others. If we think we are fat or ugly we may compare ourselves to models. If we feel we are not intelligent we may compare ourselves to a person we think is very bright. There are always people in the world who are brighter/better looking/ have a better job/etc etc than us. But also, there will always be people where we have those qualities and they do not. When making comparisons, compare yourself to every fourth person you see…this is a much better example of the general population. Emotional reasoning is a term used by psychologists relating to where we make assumptions about things based on how we feel. Our feelings or emotions can get it very wrong. A good example here is that a person suffering with anorexia will feel fat! Equally so, when we feel anxious our brain is telling us that we are in imminent danger, when actually maybe we are perfectly safe. Be careful when listening to your emotions…instincts can be right but can also be wrong. Should and Must statements should be avoided (this is the only should I agree with here) . I should be better at my job! I should be able to give 100% all of the time. I should have been more successful! I should be slimmer/fitter/healthier! I should have stayed calm! I should know how to deal with my emotions! I should be a perfect mother/father/daughter/ son/partner etc etc! I must always do better in the future! Goodness me how exhausting. Maybe it is better to accept that we are human and to be human is to be imperfect and make mistakes. Have you ever found yourself going over an event and feeling mortified at what you said or how you behaved? Don’t worry, we have all been there. This is called Post event analysis and involves us going over in our minds what we said in a conversation and feeling embarrassed. Or we may wish we had said something better/funnier/more intelligent/etc. DON’T DO IT! It is unlikely that whomever you were speaking to will remember what you were saying. In fact, research suggests that people generally do not remember what we said but they do remember how we made them feel. If you are someone who gets anxious in social situations and feel you want to plan exactly what you are going to say, this can actually make us feel less relaxed and is something psychologists call ‘ pre-event analysis ’. You can have some ideas but those ideas may or may not work. Imagine instead that you are going to meet and speak to a good friend. What ever you might say to that good friend is okay to say. What makes us feel more anxious is if we start to think that we should find something witty/intelligent/meaningful to say when we may not be feeling very witty or intelligent. It does not mean that we are not witty or intelligent. Are you always at your best with your friends? Probably not and that is okay. If your friend likes you just for who you are then maybe others will too. Critical thoughts : We should be very careful of criticising ourselves. If you imagine that you told a friend that you had a boyfriend/girlfriend who criticised you in the way you criticise yourself…what would they say? They would probably suggest that you dump them. However, it is much easier to dump a boyfriend or girlfriend than to dump ourselves. Try to notice the critical thoughts and ask yourself what your friend would say about that. Listen to your friend’s voice…they are generally a much better mirror to ourselves than we are. There is a lot of information to take in here. I have, below, put a handy print out sheet for you to keep close by and to help you to make less assumptions and lead a more fulfilled life. Good luck!

James Joyce was the first writer in history to try in his book, Ulysses, to capture the thoughts of one man – Mr Leopold Bloom, as he proceeds through one day. We can see from his writing that to capture thoughts is actually quite difficult. Thoughts can be fleeting and make no sense. They can be enquiring, rude or bland. What we all know, however, is that from the moment we wake up, off our mind goes and we think think think all day long. We think about the future and think about the past and think about the present or think about the multitude of things we make up that have nothing to do with the past, present or future. There is rarely a moment in the day when our thoughts are quiet. Trying to quieten the mind is something that Buddhist monks have been attempting for many years. After years of mindful practice, which involves trying to allow thoughts to pass gently out of the mind without focusing on them, no matter how many hours they spend doing this, the thinking part of our mind always finds a way to insert a suggestion here or a comment there. Over the years, I have concluded that it is better if we try to understand our minds and accept the way they are whilst, at the same time, recognising that to bring about change takes effort.   When trying to understand the brain, we must look to evolution for an explanation. As I have already spoken about in this series, our brains are hardwired for survival. However, the majority of our evolution took place over hunter-gather years and much of what helped them to survive, in terms of thoughts, is rather redundant today. Let us consider this together.   Firstly, if we study the types of thoughts that aid survival lets us consider two individuals. Person A sits under a tree contemplating the meaning of life, stopping occasionally to take some sustenance or exercise. Person B, thinks all day long about the future and what might go wrong. They consider all of the different possibilities and come up with a plan in order to overcome them. They also think about the past and criticise themselves for what has been in an attempt to do better in the future. We can see from these two extreme examples that evolution will favour person B because that type of thinking will help with survival. But, which person will be happier? Which less anxious? I would argue that person A will be much happier. You may question where they are going to get the food for their sustenance but as long as that is not a problem, they are more likely to enjoy their lives that person B who will be miserable and anxious.   An interesting point to remember here is this:   Your brain does not care whether you are happy or sad, it only cares if you survive. We have to make our own happiness.   Now this statement is easy to understand but far far more difficult to follow through with because hunter gather life style was around for about 200,000 years, the beginnings of agriculture started about 10,000 years ago and our industrial civilisation has been around for less than 300 years. So, the hunter-gather brain is the one that is what we are working with. Wishing we would all have happy clappy thoughts, is unfortunately not a useful task. We need to work at it on a daily basis. Many of my clients say that becoming well following mental illness is sometimes harder than just allowing our brains to be miserable or anxious and I really do get that.   In this next section, I am going to give you a few ideas about how we can begin to look at our thoughts and hopefully challenge some of the less useful ones and tell the really useless ones to get lost!

Moving from one year into another, for many, provides a natural time of reflection - a moment to look back over the year we are leaving and forward to the year to come. It can be a time we use to reset, make changes, plan for improvements. It can be a time to bid good riddance to a year full of heartache, stress, and loss. Whatever this time is for you, I would like us all to think about how best to bring about change without feeling the burden of failure. Because to move forward, fail we will. Fail we must.   Samuel Beckett in his 1983 story Worstward Ho, wrote, "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." And although he goes on, in my opinion, to talk about how unbelievably difficult this can be, we can take something from his words. How often do we, with good intentions, make New Year’s resolutions, or plan significant change, only for them to fail or for life to get in the way? Statistically one in five resolutions set will last less than one month. So here are my top tips for bringing about change.   1.     Set some goals but not too many. Goals should be something achievable. So, for example, I want to be fitter. Is better than I will go to the gym five days a week.   2.     Remember that we need to find a balance between work, rest, play (or pleasurable activities) and health. There are only so many hours in the day and days in the week, so we will need to accept we may not be able to do everything we desire immediately. The most important thing is to keep a balance and accept that some goals may take longer than we would wish.   3.     Break each goal down into manageable steps. Ideally a step would seem easy to do, so it is achievable, and the brain is not put off doing it. So, rather than, 'I am going to work out at the gym for an hour.' It might be you start with a five-minute walk on the treadmill. Underdoing something and building from there is much better than doing nothing at all. Another example, if you want to lose weight, the goal might be to eat more healthily and reduce portion sizes. This is much more sustainable in the long run. Then you might make one or two swaps per week. So, a large plate for a medium plate. When this feels easy, a medium plate for a small plate. By the end of the year, you will never be able to eat a large plate of food again without feeling sick. Another idea is to start with one day when only healthy foods are eaten alongside one or two small treats. Then when this feels easy, increase it to two days and so on.   4.     Find time in your diary for one of the steps. If your goal is to get your finances in order, you might set aside an hour in your diary each week to focus on doing this. Or an hour to do exercise or an hour to plan healthy eating. If you find you do not have the motivation or time to carry out the activity, then move it to another time in your diary when you do have time. Keep doing this and remain focused on the end goal.   5.     If you find you have not done what you set out to do, plan to do it again. Each day is a new day and just because we were unable to complete our set task the day/morning/afternoon etc before, it does not mean that we should give up.   6.     Goals and tasks may need to be redefined as new information comes in. So, if your goal was to change your job but you find you are spending days applying for new jobs and disheartened by the process, set yourself time to carry out the activity that leads to your goal and time to do pleasurable things. A balance in life is key to good psychological health.   7.     Keep focused on the end goal. Remember, every day is a new day.   8.     Be compassionate. Remember the wise words of Beckett. If you decide you want to change your goals or the goal you set was not right for you, at this time, be kind to yourself. Ultimately, we all want to feel good about ourselves so being critical for changing our minds or deciding to focus on something else, is not going to help.   Good luck and I wish you a wonderful 2024.

A bodyscan is a relaxation technique which can help us control anxiety or unhelpful emotions. This is a 5 minute bodyscan. You can do this bodyscan sitting up or lying down. Try and find a comfortable position.

I have had so many conversations over the years about peoples’ experience of dating I thought it was about time this was shared in the hope it will make us all feel a little more normal when we attempt to navigate the dating conundrum. We only have to listen to music, look at social media or watch a film to see how fundamental it is for us all to find the perfect partner. Indeed, evolution has pushed us in this direction to keep our species going. Why then is it that when we are really attracted to someone, we find we get tongue-tied and blush in ways we never do in other areas of life? Evolution got that wrong for sure!   We cannot, unfortunately, snap our fingers and be everything to everyone and wishing that were so will just make us disappointed and may also stop us from trying. So, given that we have to accept that things are far from ideal, the blogs in this series will hopefully give you some ideas and knowledge on how to approach dating and make sure your next relationship is the best it can possibly be.   I will break this down into different stages and provide top tips along the way.

Part 1: When dating we need to understand the rules of attraction.   Why are we attracted to some individuals and not others? Or why do some people find us attractive, but others don’t? I have always found it interesting that individuals are often (but not always) not attracted to their good friends’ boyfriends/ girlfriends/ partner, etc. How can it be that our dear friend who shares our values choses someone we are not attracted to in the slightest bit?   The reason for this comes from evolution and from the systems we live in and how they influence our beliefs and behaviours.   Genes play a part. Research suggests that we are more attracted to the smell of someone genetically different to us – a wider gene pool results in greater survival.   The environment we grew up in also plays a part. Whom we are attracted to is an amalgamation of bits of our mothers/fathers/aunts/uncles/siblings/cousins/first teachers/early friends/etc. ·       It may be that when we meet someone with the same warmth as our mothers, we find that attractive. ·       It may be that our mothers were cold and distant, and when we meet someone with similar characteristics, we feel repelled. ·       Another example is that we may have admired our sibling or father or aunt, and so when we meet someone who has a similar personality, we feel attracted to them. ·       More confusingly, we may be attracted to an individual that reminds us of an unfulfilled relationship because we might be compelled to keep trying to fulfil the part that is left wanting. ·       Or it may be that we felt unsafe with a particular family member or in an early relationship. When we meet someone with similar characteristics, we are wary. Of course, there are many examples of when this is not always the case…we are all aware of stories of people serially attracted to someone that is wrong for them.   When we meet the individual that fits with the amalgamation of everything we are drawn towards, we can feel that attraction immediately. Of course, this attraction may be in our best interests – if we have had positive relationships. Or this person may not be in our best interests. Just as we are attracted to individuals because of an amalgamation of our genes and background history, so too are others attracted (or not attracted) to us due to the same combination of factors. The most important thing when we embark on dating is to remember that not everyone is going to find us attractive, and that is okay.   This is easy to say and difficult to carry out, but if we can hold on to the fact that just because someone does not think of us as their ideal partner, that does not mean there is something wrong with us…just that we don’t fit with their background history. Of course, if we experience this disappointment repeatedly, we will assume something is wrong with us, but I will come on to discuss these ideas and how to make sure we are choosing well in the following few blogs.   Don't miss the other blogs in this series on dating.

Confirmation Bias Confirmation bias is fundamental to our experience as humans and a fundamental to understand when dating.   Confirmation bias is the idea that we develop beliefs about ourselves, others and the world depending on our experiences. And then, once those beliefs have been formed, we find information that ‘fits’ with the belief and discard information that does not fit. Following are some beliefs that will impact our experience of dating and relationships.   Let's discuss how the belief that we are not good enough impacts on us when dating. We may be attracted to individuals we think can never love us because that ‘fits’ with our sense of not being good enough. We may reject individuals that are attracted to us because we assume, often unconsciously, there is something wrong with them - if we are not good enough, then anyone who likes us must be flawed. We may be on a date with someone we are attracted to but believe they are not attracted to us. We may try to work out what we think they might like, be that a funny or intelligent person, and then try to tell jokes or say things we think they will find intelligent. The irony of this, of course, is that we have no idea what they want, and we might be just what they are looking for. Top tip: Make sure you give people who are attracted to you a fair chance and be yourself on a date! You never know but you may be just what your date is looking for. Let's think about how will the belief that is it okay to be cruel/critical/disrespectful in a relationship will impact on dating and more fundamentally, in any long-term relationship. Confirmation Bias An individual might accept certain behaviours as okay because it fits with their experience, perhaps their parents did not have a great relationship. It may be that our date thinks it is okay to criticize us in an unkind way. We may not notice these criticisms because they are familiar to us. It might be that the person we are dating, whom we like, behaves in disrespectful ways, such as cancelling a date at the last minute, taking days or weeks to respond to a message, or ghosting us and then being back in touch when it suits them. What we need to think about here is – do I want to spend my effort (and potentially life) with someone who thinks it is okay to behave like that? If someone behaves like that at the beginning of a relationship, it is likely to continue. Top tip: Keep an eye on how your date treats you. If they are disrespectful and unkind, is this really someone you want to spend your life with? You may think you can change them, and this may be true but it also might not be true and so it might be better to spend effort on someone who is worth it.   Let us consider how the belief that we are unlovable will impact on us when dating. There may be many reasons why individuals feel unlovable. Confirmation Bias If one or the other of our parents did not show us the love we deserved or if we were bullied at school or a multitude of other reasons, we may feel that we are unlovable. It is impossible for a child to understand that the unkind behaviour is due to the demons their parents or school peers have and nothing to do with themselves. I have worked with many lovely individuals who do not believe they are lovable. If someone does believe this, how will they behave on a first date with someone they are attracted to? What will they notice? What will they fail to notice? It might be that the conversation faulters. A person who believes they are unlovable then may jump to the conclusion that their date is bored or does not like them. Or it may be that the date says they must go on somewhere else. Again, it is likely this will be interpreted as a negative whereas it may be a negative and it also might just be that the date is telling the truth, and it does not mean they have not enjoyed themselves. Top tip: If we believe we are unlovable ideally what we should do on a first date is hold on to the idea that maybe we are wrong and maybe someone will think we are fine just as we are. There are many strategies for us to be able to do this but just remember that beliefs are not necessarily the truth. Confirmation Bias What if we believe we are unlucky in love when dating? Depending on our experience in life, we will approach dating in different ways. If we have a good sense of self and have always been lucky with our dating experience, then we will have a very different belief about the outcome of a date in comparison to those who feel they have been unlucky in love.   If we have been lucky in love and a date does not go well, we might move quickly on to the next date without too much heartache. If, on the other hand, we have been unlucky in love and our date does not go well, we may take this as further evidence we are unlucky in love and may then assume we will never meet anyone. This might affect our behaviour, for example, we may stop trying to meet someone. I have worked with many people who have been without a partner for long periods of time and taken this as 'evidence' that they are unlucky in love when it was more likely that they were alone because they made little or no effort to meet anyone. Another example is that when our date does not suggest a further meeting either at the end of the first date, or they do not get in touch the next day. If we believe we are unlucky in love, we might take this as further evidence. If then the date gets in touch a day or a few days later, we might respond in an unhelpful way. Top tip: if you believe you are unlucky in love, you might feel there is no point in trying. Remember the best way to find love is to meet as many single people as you possibly can. Confirmation Bias It is often the case that we belief we need to lose weight, get a new job, improve ourselves in some way before embarking on dating. I have heard time and again the idea that we need to look or be our best before embarking on dating: I need to lose those extra kgs, or I need to get over XYZ, or I need to change my career before I begin. The trouble with this is that it might be that someone likes you just the way you are, or it might be they help you to get over XYZ, or it might be they don’t care what job you do but admire your ambition. I do not advocate that you should look for someone to help you to get over XYZ, you should try to do that yourself but maybe dating will give the distraction needed to feel better or the impetus to lose those extra kgs or take up exercise.

Building confidence is important before we embark on dating and open ourselves up for rejection.   Dating can be exhausting. We must put effort into meeting someone. All the profiles trawled, and messages sent. The hopes and fears and feelings of rejection. All the dates we wish for but do not go on or go on and end up in disaster. Exhausting! It is not ideal to start dating feeling rubbish about ourselves. Please re-read the attraction blog and remember - just because someone does not find us attractive, that DOES NOT mean there is something wrong with us. Let's think about how to feel the best we can.   Open a document and at the top write the words: 'The reasons why someone would be lucky to have me'. Many people who have low self-esteem will find this difficult. We often dismiss things as being 'not enough' of a quality. Write everything down, however small, or insignificant you think it is. Ask people who are fond of you their thoughts. Ask yourself, would you want to care for someone? Be there for them? Be interested in them? Listen to them? Travel or have together? The list can go on and on. In my experience, there will be a lot we can bring to a relationship. Once you have completed this task, repeatedly read over the list. Changing a belief from 'I have nothing to give' to 'Someone would be lucky to have me' takes time and effort. You might find you believe the list to be untrue. That it is not a true reflection. This is because when we have a belief we are not good enough, any information that goes against that belief is difficult for us to accept. Go through each item on the list and ask yourself if that item is true. For example, would you listen to your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner's problems and want to solve them? If the answer to that is yes, then move on to the next item. If each item is true, then the list is true, even if you have trouble accepting it. We need to go over this list just before each date. Whatever happens in the date, whether someone wants a relationship with us or not, does not change what we can offer. Top dating tips: Building confidence is important before we embark on dating and open ourselves up for rejection. Develop a list of all the things you can bring to a relationship. Ask friends and family to come up with suggestions. Think of all the compliments you have been paid. All your interests. Your values. Your qualities. When you have a list, re-read it often. If we believe we are not good enough, it is not easy to change. We may dismiss the list we have developed because we do not feel it is the truth. Go over the list and ask yourself about each item. Is it the truth? If the answer is 'yes' move on until you get to the end of the list. If all items on the list are the truth but you feel you are not that good remember, just because we feel something it does not mean it is the truth. Re-read the list before any date to remind yourself what you bring.

The importance of considering what you are looking for in a life partner when dating.   Whatever our experience of dating, one of the most important things for us to work out is what we are looking for.   Sometimes we are so desperate for someone to find us attractive that we forget to determine what we want. It is often the case that people with a good sense of themselves will be aware of what they are looking for and have clear expectations of how they should be treated. From an evolutionary standpoint, being confident of what we are looking for will help the person we are dating understand that we have self-worth, and this generally increases attractiveness.   So, before that first date, or even if you have been dating for a while, make a list of what you are looking for. Most people would be able to say that they want someone who looks a particular way, is funny or intelligent but we need to think further than that. Someone may be attractive, but if they don't fit with our value system, that can be a problem in the long run.   What might be the things you are looking for in a long-term partner? Here are some suggestions:   Do I find them somewhat physically attractive? Does their value system fit with my value system?  Are they compassionate and thoughtful or critical and unkind? Do they enjoy discussing the same things I enjoy? Do they like doing at least some of the things I enjoy? If I want children, do they also want children? Can we have fun together? Do they make me feel good about myself? On a first date, it would not be a good idea to begin firing questions at someone. But subtly asking questions or watching how they respond to things can give us the information we need. Whether the person is right for us or not cannot be gleaned in one or two dates. It will take some time.   Do I find them somewhat physically attractive? Research suggests it is not the falling in love at first sight relationships that generally last. The ones that last are those people we did not initially find attractive. It may have started as friends or individuals we knew at school or work. Physical attraction is important but do not dismiss someone who does not exactly fit. It may be nice to look at something beautiful, but the relationship has to work.   Does their value system fit with my value system ?   This, of course, depends on your value system, but we can find out about someone's value system from what they say, how they talk about their family, friends. How they respond to strangers. How they treat you. Any thoughtful individual would make sure they were asking questions as well as talking. If someone is just talking about themselves without any interest in their date, I would question why they were there. Surely it is important for both parties to want to get to know the other if the intention is for it to grow into something.   Research suggests that what helps relationships endure is compromise. Obviously, this needs to be on both sides for it to work. Watch out for thoughtfulness over rigidity. On a first or subsequent date, it is likely both individuals will be on their best behaviour. We can watch out for signs of kindness or compassion. How do they treat the waiters/bar staff/people around them? If they are unkind or rude to strangers it is likely that their value system is not going to be a compassionate or thoughtful one. Do they enjoy discussing the same things I enjoy? To find this out we need to talk about the things that interest us and see how they respond. If we want our date to find us attractive and only talk about what they seem interested in, we not finding out whether they like what we like.   Do they like doing at least some of the things I enjoy? It is important for us to be honest with what we enjoy. We may think what we enjoy will not be good enough, especially if we lack confidence. But remember they might like doing similar things or at least be open to doing the things we enjoy. And although no one is going to like doing exactly the same activities, imagine spending your life with someone that would never dream of doing things they don't enjoy, no matter how much you liked it.   Can we have fun together? Fun will mean different things for different people. If we want cosy nights alone with our partner and they want to be at a party every night...it might not work. Imagine a life with someone you could not experience fun or pleasure with. Being able to laugh with someone is nourishing and pleasure is fundamental to good psychological health.   You might also consider their outlook on life. What if you are a glass-half-full kind of person and their cup is seriously empty? How would that be? Equally so, if you are someone who sees yourself as a realist and taking matters seriously is important to you. Being with someone who takes life flippantly might be okay at the beginning but may well start to jar as time goes on. Do they make me feel good about myself?             One thing that I am sure we would all agree is that our life partner should make us feel good about ourselves. Someone who has our back and we know they are there for us no matter what. That is why it is so important for us to think about whether the behaviour we see in the person we are dating ‘fits’ with what we would like in a life partner. Imagine spending a lifetime with someone who is always critical or cruel in some way? Noticing such behaviours at the beginning as a red flag, may well help in the long run. And I would also be very careful of assuming that someone will change, or they will not treat you in the way they treat other people. If someone is cruel to others, it is likely they will be cruel to you.   Finding the strength to let go of something that we know deep down is not good for us can be hard when we would love to be in a relationship. But giving our energy to something that is not right for us will take the energy we need to find what is right. Top dating tips: Do I find them somewhat physically attractive? Does their value system fit with my value system?  Are they compassionate and thoughtful or critical and unkind? Do they enjoy discussing the same things I enjoy? Do they like doing at least some of the things I enjoy? If I want children, do they also want children? Can we have fun together? Do they make me feel good about myself?