The Art of Loving – Erich Fromm

In this blog, I’m sharing a few ideas from what may be one of the earliest self-help

books: The Art of Loving, published in 1956. Some of the language now feels dated,

and the book reflects a limited view of relationships and identity. Even so, I think

Fromm offers a thoughtful and still relevant perspective on love within committed

relationships.

Fromm takes a surprisingly dim view of romantic love, seeing it as an immature form

when compared with what he calls mature love. For him, love is not primarily a

feeling or a possession; it is an action. Love is a verb rather than a noun. He is less

interested in the idea of “falling in love” and more interested in the practice of

“standing in love” — a steadier, more intentional form of connection that feels quite

different from the way love is often described in contemporary culture. He argues

that love is expressed through four key attitudes, which I’ve outlined below.

1. Care

For Fromm, care is an active concern for the life and growth of whatever or whoever

we love. We often stop at love as a noun – the deep affection we feel for someone

or something. But love as a verb is different. It is expressed through what we do: the

effort, attention, and care we offer. Whether it is directed towards a partner, a child,

or even a rose garden, love is made visible through action.

It can be as simple as bringing your partner a cup of tea in the morning, helping with a task, offering support, or taking a genuine interest in how they want to live and grow. It means asking what they need, what they want, and how you can help. These small, practical gestures are not separate from love; they are expressions of it. The same is true elsewhere in life. A child cannot thrive without care; without it, they may struggle to communicate, connect, and develop the capacity to care for themselves and others later in life. A rose garden left untended will choke with weeds or fail to flower. Love, then, is care in action rather than care as an idea. “The essence of love is to labour for something and to support its growth; love and labour are inseparable.” – Erich Fromm

In adult partnerships, care means actively supporting one another’s growth – both

individually and together. This is part of why relationships require work. Love is not

passive; it asks something of us.

2. Responsibility

This is not responsibility in the sense of duty. It is better understood as

responsiveness. Fromm suggests that responsibility, in its truest sense, is a

voluntary readiness to respond to the needs of another person, whether those needs

are spoken or unspoken. In parental love, this is visible in the way a child’s physical and emotional needs are recognised and met, often through attentiveness, instinct,

and trial and error.

In love between adults, responsibility means being willing to respond to the needs of

a partner’s mind, heart, and inner life. It asks us to be present, attentive, and capable

of care.

3. Respect

Respect is not about placing someone on a pedestal. It is about seeing them as they

are and recognising their uniqueness. In practice, it means allowing the other person

to grow into themselves rather than trying to shape them around our own needs. It

asks us to loosen our grip on ego and possessiveness, and to let the other be fully

themselves.

4. Knowledge

“To respect a person is not possible without knowing them; care and responsibility

would be blind if they were not guided by knowledge.” For Fromm, knowledge is

what gives depth and direction to love. There is a paradox here: he suggests that the

deepest knowledge of another person, and of ourselves, is realised through intimacy. For that reason, these four attitudes of love are inseparable. Care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge are intertwined, and together they form the labour of love. This may not align neatly with the archetypal romance of falling in love, or with the intensity and chemistry we often associate with it. Fromm’s view is quieter and more demanding: love is not only something we feel, but something we practise.

The people who truly love you know who you are. They respond to your needs, care

for you, and respect you – not in an idealised way, but in the ordinary, consistent

ways that matter most.

In that sense, love is not only about romance. Love is labour, and labour, in its best

form, is an expression of love.