Autism and ADHD diagnoses in adult women
Getting an Autism or ADHD diagnosis as an adult woman can bring up quite mixed
feelings. On the one hand, there can be enormous relief and validation. Things that
have felt confusing or that you have blamed yourself for suddenly have another
possible explanation. On the other hand, it can open up a whole new set of
questions. You might start looking back at your childhood, your friendships, your
relationships or your working life and thinking, “Was that my ADHD? Was that
autism? Was I masking? Why have I spent so much of my life feeling like I’m slightly
out of step? Why did nobody notice?” And sometimes the answers aren’t particularly
straightforward.
I think this is particularly complicated for women because many of us become very
good at adapting. We watch other people and work out what we're supposed to do.
We learn to be sociable, capable, organised and accommodating, even when doing
those things takes considerably more effort than people realise. So you can get to
adulthood having achieved quite a lot while also feeling exhausted, overwhelmed or
somehow different. You might be very capable in one part of your life and completely
stuck in another. You might have spent years thinking you are too sensitive, too
intense, too disorganised, too much, or simply not trying hard enough.
A diagnosis can bring relief, but it can also bring grief. You may grieve for the support
your younger self didn't have, or for how much energy you've spent trying to
understand or change yourself. You may also start questioning what is “you” and
what has developed in response to your experiences.
I don't think diagnosis gives us all the answers. Nor does everything need to be
explained by neurodivergence. But it can give us another, often much more
compassionate way of understanding ourselves. And perhaps that is where some of
the useful work can begin; not simply learning that you are autistic or have ADHD,
but working out what that actually means for you and your life.
